Friday 17 May 2013

What really happens after university

While I try and keep my rants humorous for your benefit, because no one wants to read a sad-ass blog of misery, I'm afraid there's going to be no shits and giggles in this entry. As most of you know, I'm coming to the end of my studies. Well actually, I'm finished now, I just need to graduate. And as most of you know, I have hated 90% of my time at university. Don't get me wrong, third year has been my best year in terms of socialising and making friends, and I've made some friends for life here, not just at university but also in my job, but in terms of the subsequent financial side and my declining mental health because of these last three, it's fucked me in the ass big time. While most people who I've spoken to over the years about going to university have said it's been the best three years of their life, it's really improved things for them blah blah blah, I'm here to tell you what it's like if you're shy, if you're anxious, and if you're only going to university because subconsciously, you don't want to grow up yet.

Again, I have made some wonderful friends at university, and I don't intend to ever lose touch with them. However, it wasn't easy making friends to start with. I spent most of freshers week and the subsequent few months crying because I had no friends and my friends from home were posting regular photos of them having a good time without me. And don't say "well you should have got out there and socialised" - no, because when you don't live in halls, no one invites you anywhere. And no one likes the annoying person who always asks "that sounds like fun! Can I come?!" The sad truth is, if you're shy and you don't make friends easily anyway, chances are you'll be the same as me. Sorry.

And while I don't want to get into the habit of slagging off my institution, I feel obliged to tell you that if you go to university, you WILL be fucked over. From what I've heard from other friends at uni its not just my institution, it's all of them. You'll be fucked over in terms of when you get grades back, unfair markings, unfair deadlines, hypocritical lecturers who don't accept "I have too much work" as an excuse for an extention but see it as a completely viable excuse to delay giving you your essays back, and don't even get me started on the dickheads that you'll be put with in group work.

 Even if you're not shy, and you just hate working with others, be aware that group work is the be all and end all of being at university. Their argument? Well, apparently you have to work with assholes when you get a job, so you may as well learn to tolerate them now. My argument? You get paid to work with assholes when you get a job, so you suck it up and deal with it. At university, you get nothing, just a fuckload of debt in exchange for working with assholes. Plus, it's your degree, you shouldn't have to work with pricks to get it.

Coming to the end of the year, you'll be faced with that philosophical question - "what the fuck do I do now?" If I had one piece of advice to give it'd be this: do your research. Know what you want to do really early on, research what you need to do and how you need to get there. I didn't research jobs until late in my second year and I found out I need more than a BSc to start out where I want to. And because I'm shy and have done far to much work with dicks over the last three years, I don't want to do anymore study. So now I'm stuck. With a BSc in psychology and no where to go. And I can't do the masters I want because they want 100 hours of experience with a client, and despite my course being one in counselling, it never had a placement. Awesome. So you'll be seeing me in McDonald's flipping burgers real soon.

Thursday 16 May 2013

Adverts 3.0

It's that time again where I rip the crap out of current adverts for them being severely irritating, stupidly unrealistic or just because I enjoy ripping the crap out of stuff. So, enjoy.

Barclaycard Bespoke Offers
I'm not even going to comment on the concept of Gok Wan coming to the rescue when you take your middle class children to a fancy coffee shop and they throw that lovely treat back in your face by chucking coffee over you. Okay, I am. Basically, if I ever spilt crap on my mum - in public or not, I'd get yelled at. She would not sit in silence and wait for Gok Wan to magically enter with his parade of coats. I'd get told "the whole day is RUINED." Or words to that affect. And why were those kids here not told off for being annoying little shits? Today they're knocking coffee everywhere, tomorrow they're in prison. That's how it starts.

Harvester



This advert is first of all annoying the crap out of me because I couldn't use the YouTube app to add it to this blog, I had to embed. And it looks awful. But this advert just makes me glad I don't have children - specifically annoying, cocky ones. And I can't help but feel sorry for those poor bastards working in the Harvester kitchen being given orders by a child. Look at the bloke at 0:02, his face says it all. Then the girl at 0:14 "thank you Chef" - don't thank him, he's a CHILD. His opinion means nothing. "And Mum wants peri-peri with the spit roast chicken" - well, I'm sure his mum would like a spit roast, but you can't really get that at the Harvester. I don't know, I've never asked. Then the worst part which makes me want to punch the little shit right in the kisser "DAD SAUCE." How about no?! If I sat at the table and went "MUM, KETCHUP NOW." I'd get "Don't. Speak. To. Me. Like. That." And I'd be that kid that gets shouted at in front of everyone at the restaurant. And I'm saying that from experience.

Protect Your Bubble
"Why didn't I just insure it?" That's a good question, Jason. Although, I think you should be less concerned about the fact you just fucked your iPhone up and be more concerned about the fact you're talking to two cartoons. Yes, next time insure your phone, but also seek professional help. 

Haribo - "They're Just Too Good"

I think from these specific blog entries, it's clear I don't like role reversal adverts where children are grown ups. And this is yet another one. I'm sorry, but this 'study' does NOT prove that Haribo is "just too good" - it proves that children have no sense of logic or reasoning to understand that if they resist one thing, they can have two of them. And no, this is not me killing the joy of this adorably cute "aww look at the kiddies wanting all the sweeties!" advert - it's a scientific fact that has been illustrated in countless developmental psychology studies. If this advert was made with 8 year olds instead of toddlers, then they would resist the Haribo because they understand that if two over time is better than one thing immediately. Ha. Psychology'd. Also, as someone who works in an opticians, those glasses do not fit that child properly. 

Friday 3 May 2013

Lifescouts: Music Video Badge

If you think about it, I've done quite well on Lifescouts' music month, given that I'm not really musical at all. This badge is one of my favourites because making music videos was quite a large part of my school life a few years back, it was what I used to do with friends. It wasn't just music videos, there was a lot of random crap too, but we made some pretty kickass music videos in our time.

I remember me and my friend Tammy made a music video for Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid, a film we bonded over as children, although it is one of the most random things you'll ever see, and I look like an absolutely horrendous demon child in it, it's pretty good if I do say so myself.

Then a few years later me and my friend Alice made two more - Potential Breakup Song by Aly and AJ, and In My Arms by Kylie Minogue - both of which I find painful to watch given how stupid I look in them, although I still love them because they remind me of some really good times we had.

And yes, before you ask, these are on YouTube. But I'm not posting links :)


Thursday 2 May 2013

Lifescouts: Karaoke Badge

We all love a bit of karaoke. Although no one ever takes it seriously, it's more of a drunken activity at a wedding or family party. Nothing wrong with that, it actually makes drinking quite enjoyable.

When I was a kid I used to belt out the karaoke, I remember one year getting a karaoke machine for Christmas, back when cassette tapes were around, which is just evident how long ago that actually was. Then when I was a bit older I got one of those fancy ones you plug into the TV and the lyrics come up on the screen. Wasn't really used much though.

I've always been to shy to do karaoke drunk, let alone sober so I rarely do it anymore now that I'm an adult and have inhibitions and all that crap. Although that's not to say I don't belt out a good Glee number when I've got the flat to myself. I do a kickass It's All Coming Back to Me Now. You think I'm joking. I'm really not.


Wednesday 1 May 2013

Lifescouts: Songwriting Badge

Before I get "oh my God, you're so deep" comments may I please just clear up one thing: I was 14 so these 'songs' were in no way lyrical genius, but here's the story.

Every year at our school we'd have something called the Rock Concert. Unique name, I know. Basically it was where all the talented kids would take to the stage and showcase their awesomeness - or rather, big-headedness. Every year they'd have a song writing competition and first prize would win a spot performing at the rock concert and would get to record an album which people could buy on the night.

Don't ask why this idiotic idea came into our minds, but me and a friend (who shall not be named given that we're no longer friends, given several incidents of subsequent bullying before she finally left and stopped making my life hell - but that's another story which I don't think is wise to post over the internet) decided to enter said competition and we met up to brainstorm ideas.

Basically the song we came up with was a similar theme to I'm With You by Avril Lavigne - and before I get sued, the melody and lyrics were completely different - for some reason that's the song I've always thought it was like. Similar premise "Oh I'm so alone, everyone's in couples WAH" - but looking back now these are the same sort of lyrics that Justin Bieber is hated so much for, complaining about relationships and feelings and all that crap - but you're 13 so it doesn't actually matter.

Anyway we recorded that one song and we had a sleepover one evening and well the music just kept on coming - I tell you, we wrote some lame ass songs which I won't go into. But we must have done something right because we came in third.

While this is one of the more embarrassing teenage experiences, I think it's safe to say I have earned my songwriting badge. Now let's never speak of this again.